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Today was not the best of days, it was never going to be.

Today I watch my little brother carry his son in a wicker basket adorned with blue flowers to his final destination. Luke James was born asleep on the 7th May, which also happened to be my 53rd birthday.

My brother walked side by side with his amazing lady, grief etched across their whole bodies, yet strong in each other to give their son those final moments he so richly deserved.

This moment of immense pain should never be carried by any parent, and yet less than three years ago this exact scenario played out, my little brother carrying his first born son James William in his arms for his final journey to God’s arms. James was born on the 5th July 16 and stayed to say hello for one single week, growing his angel wings on 12th July.

My fb page one month after his final journey reads:

This day one month ago, I watched my baby brother carry his own sweet child on his final journey.

I watched with a broken heart, the strength he had to hold his child and say a final goodnight. I watched through blurry eyes as his beautiful lady stood beside him in support as they regaled the ups and downs of James’ tiny life here with us…

I sat square on the hard wooden seat and wondered how life could be so hard at times, how love simply wasn’t enough…

And here we are the same hard wooden seats, the same broken hearts not yet pieced back together in love of James, now smashed in grief for Luke.

Both laid to rest on the 22nd of the month, on born 5th of the 7th, the other born on the 7th of the 5th – the glimpse of hope that these two little brothers will play together in heaven’s playground and wait for us all to join them.

Later in the day I journeyed by train to the south. Pondering the fairness or lack of it of life, thinking of the strength my brother and his lady have with each other to carry two sons, to never have heard them cry, or giggle, to never see them smile, to wonder always what might have been…

My mind wandered to the children I too had carried and never met, what might they have looked like, what would they have sounded like, would they have children of their own… I have been blessed with three amazing children, already defining life in their own ways, being their own true selves in every way.

Still there are the days, due dates, when my mind will wander to the what might have beens, how the dynamics of our family would have been different

Like thousands of other mums, I didn’t get to meet all my children, but in my heart of hearts I knew them all. I hold them deep within my very being where no one else may see. I think of them each moment of achievement of my children and wonder how they might have grown, what their achievements might have been.

The grief of children gone before us is oft too much to bear, and yet we do.

The strength of my brother and his lady, and those that support them was glowing even from the immense grief wracked around their beings. In the days to come when they wonder how this happened, how they can make it through to the end of each day, they will have each other. Their grief though different, will be understood by the other as they start to make their lives without their boys.

Life isn’t fair. However as both my brother and his lady have proved, it can be borne with grace and dignity and care for one and another.

My prayers this evening are for all who have and are suffering the bereavement of their children, those they met for a very short time and those they may not have met. My prayers that you have the support and love to grow in strength, to remember without the pain in gladness for the short time you may have had, to move forward with your own lives until you meet again.

And to my baby bro and his amazing lady I am so proud of you both that you care so deeply for each other, for the amazing children/step children you share whose love for their brothers goes as deep as your love for them. Love to you all.